Dozing

I feel someone sit down next to me.

"Wake up, you need to go home..."

My temper immediately flares and in a flash my surroundings have been surveyed. I'm safe.

"Mmmgrrrrr..." I glance up at the clock and roll over in protest. I really should have left about an hour and a half ago, but who's going to miss me.

"Seriously, I know you're a bear, I remember you're a bear, get up."

I roll back over. We get into a choppy back and forth about what he remembers. Have I always been this way? I must respect this friend for what he can tell me about myself, no matter how badly instinct wants to rip him limb from limb. It will pass. I will probably tell him a thing or two about himself one of these days when I can clean up my mental state. It is just nice to be in each other's company. In fact I can say a couple of things, I do not know many people who are as serene and respectful.

I get up, collect my backpack, borrow a sweatshirt, bid a fond farewell and hop in the car. I can't believe how tired I am. When I was an undergraduate I once read that driving while drowsy is worse than driving while drunk. I would consider my driving adventures between Charleston and Homer around midnight for the past few weeks to be living proof of this theory.

I start dialing, somebody, anybody be awake. Of course I know which friends are generally awake, which are hit or miss, and which, so help me God, if I call them in the middle of the night are going to curse me into oblivion at an unreasonably early hour in the morning. My fellow bears.

No one answers from the generally awake category, so I start the hit or miss. I feel bad about the possibility of waking someone who is enjoying a full 8 hours, so I stop. What a lonely feeling, driving down these roads, no other cars, no people, no one to talk to. Speeding. Occasionally swerving (to avoid possums of course).

I begin singing to myself to stay awake. "It's no-ones fault, it's nobody's fault, that I fell on you and you on me, that's what humans do, when they pass on through, but I think we can't, don't you? ...No of course you don't! Of course you don't! You say life is peachy without me! Of course you don't! Of course you don't! You say life is peachy without me..."

BOREDOM. That's what all of this running around has done to me, I am now bored whenever there is nothing happening. No one to talk to, nothing to do but go home and go to bed. I must re-learn the art of doing nothing. Quit stirring, quit stalking, do nothing. Shut off the computer, put up the phone, pick up a book, a crochet hook, anything... the only requirement is that it needs to be solitary. OK, the dogs can come, but no people. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, but reaching for them so much is making me scarily dependent on attaining their attention for my happiness and peace of mind.

I need my own peace of mind.