Once I Had a Love and It Was a Gas

I may not get to be the blondie, but I am a blondie now! Just kinda went and did it, I think it turned out cute for an impulse.

I've noticed I've been going through some changes with my appearance lately, namely lightening up some. I've got my first tattoo, a *gasp* pink pedicure, and now I've gone and gotten a mass amount of highlights. All of this has occurred since March, with my mood/attitude following suit in the last month or so. It just feels so different. I never thought I'd get a tattoo, I prefer more dramatic colors of nail polish, and I didn't think I'd look good as a blond. Somehow it's all working out!!

I'm not sure it's a complete coincidence. I've gone through a lot of things and been through a lot of changes in the past year and a half. I was consumed by a blind rage for about the first 6 months of 2007, because of the deployment, my unhappiness and confusion, and admittedly depression. I had never experienced a low like that before. I have read that being quick to anger, or experiencing long periods of anger/anxiety can reduce your ability to concentrate and reason, and I don't doubt that for a second. It was truly the most heinous and personally devastating time of my life.

I got three months of love, happiness and recovery after Sean came home, but then another deployment came up. After the first deployment we were really concerned about my well being, and were scrambling to make a decision about what I should do. I didn't feel it as we were making plans, but I was afraid of that anger creeping back in. I'm not trying to brag, but this time around could have been almost as bad as last time around had I not found the courage to do what I've done. It took it's toll on me in the short term, but I am so happy right now (happy, light, you know!)

I love my husband, and I have learned that the empty space he leaves can become a black hole for me to get sucked into. I just have to hang on to something positive. Changing my appearance has been fun, but I think it's really just a side effect of wanting to taste life. I don't have to be stuck in my ways at 25. I can be blond. I can mentor/chaperone/chase kids for a living. I can love him, and love this life despite the sacrifices. (I'm learning that there are just as many issues in life on the civilian side as there are in the military, they're just different.) I can see my flaws. I can forgive myself for them and forgive others. I CAN LOVE ME!! It is not an impossible task, and in fact the more I am doing it, the more I am seeing how essential it is to everything.

All right, enough of my epiphanizing, I've got some work to do. Introspection, out!